Polished Turd Rating Schema

This blog is called The Polished Turd, and not without good reason. There's not much more I'd rather do with my free time other than get out the can of Kiwi Parade Gloss and spit shine a freshly laid body-loaf into a glistening sheen. That's my definition of satisfaction.

But don't be fooled, scatology is a serious science. All living critters must shit so it should come as no surprise to anyone that we as a species have devoted untold hours to analysing the effluent that emanates from our orifices—case in point: The Bristol Stool Chart. Hailing from perhaps the shittiest place on Earth, Britain, the Bristol Stool Chart seeks to categorise each brown stain that makes its way out of our backsides. In my estimation they've done a good job. A quick audit of my recent trips to the can—an exercise in which I usually straight-up disrespect the toilet bowl—reveals I normally hover around a type three, sometimes a four or even a five on a bad day. It depends on how many curries I ate the night before.

Henceforth I'll be using the Bristol Stool Chart to rate my posts. As my devoted readers, I encourage you to use the same system when the time comes for you to pass judgment on my writings.

Was the post kind of loose and lacking substance? Pick number seven.

Was the post fragmented, disjoint and hard to understand? That's a one.

Was it light, a fluff piece with a few rough edges? That one's easy—go for number six.

Perhaps it went down easily; all smooth and slippery—number four all the way.

For the adventurous amongst you try a little mix-and-match. If the post presented a clear-cut argument but ultimately revealed a few surface cracks as the screed progressed feel free to wax lyrical and ascribe it a solid core of type five with a late type three finish. The possibilities are endless.

You get the idea. Visit the link, do your homework and start applying your ratings as you comment. Your friends will be impressed with your newfound scat knowledge.