In Defence of a Simple Wedding

Hello there reader. I'm sure there's only about one of you so I'll stick with the singular for now.

There's a lot to be said for the simple wedding ceremony. Big, bloated, over-stuffed weddings, choking on their own excess while toppling over due to the top-heavy weight of their self-importance aren't too hard to come by. Chances are that one of your closest friends is planning one of those affairs right now. I'm calling for a savage cut-back on all that perfect venue, perfect dress, perfect flower arrangement, perfect catering, aaarrrgh-the-stylist-totally-fucked-up-my-hair mayhem. Withdraw for a moment, relax, step back and do it simply and do it right.

That's what The Great Organiser and I had the pleasure of enjoying in New Haven, CT, last weekend. If you're looking for an opinion or a critique on New Haven from me then it's in. The place stinks. Take one of the nation's snootiest universities, stuff it full of a handful of cashed-up stick-up-the-arse social rung climbers and surround it with a teeming horde of impoverished bottom feeders whose meager existence it is to dutifully serve their ivy league overlords.

For the record I went to university in Australia—Adelaide Uni to be precise. I managed to dodge the whole American cult of university thing and for that I'm eternally grateful.

The Yale grounds are pleasant enough in a tony East Coast sort of way, but the rest of the city is more or less a dump. Skip it if you can. The wedding, on the other hand, hit the mark. If you're going to put on one of these things, and if you're going to do it kind of on the cheap, here's what you can skimp on.

• The Bride's Maids' and Groom's Men's Outfits — Let them hear hessian sacks if they want, nobody's really going to give a shit and you'll still get to say "I do."
• The Wedding Dress — Sure, you think you look totally rad in all that taffeta but again, at the end of the day nobody else but you is really going to be all that impressed. More to the point, all the other women at the event, including your own bride's maids, will be sizing you up and whispering, "she looks kind of fat in that, don't you think? I can see her belly bulge showing. There's no way I'm going to look that cheap when I get married," to one another.
• Music — Don't hire a band. Go and get one of your buddies who fancies himself as a burnin' up the dance floor DJ to spin a few discs.
• The Ceremony Itself — Keep it short. We're bored already.

Here's what you should NOT trim, skimp or reduce. It's just not proper.

• The Reception Dinner — Never, ever, EVER let the reception dinner fall short. EVER! Everyone attending a wedding reception is required by the laws of weddings to leave both full to the point of explosion and quite drunk. The Great Organiser and I attended a wedding a year or so ago hosted by two very lovely people who, despite being lovely, made the monumentally stupid error of trawling Craigslist to source their caterer. Dumb move. Craigslist is great for anonymous gay hookups and busted furniture, not good for wedding catering. By the time our table was called—we might have been last, I can't remember—all the grub had disappeared. We ate scraps of bread. It was completely shitty. Get a decent caterer. Spend the money. Get everyone plastered on good booze and feed them more than their guts can contain.
• The After Party — Now you can kind of skimp on this one, and if you obeyed the above rule about the grub then you can economise on the grog by snagging the leftovers from the reception (you remembered to supply more booze than could be consumed at the reception even if every attendee were an alcoholic, right?). All you're going to have to do is get the right venue, and if you're smart about it you'll do it at a hotel near the reception. Go a step further and hire a limousine or a bus service to ensure the army of pissheads gets from its wine-soaked and completely fabulous three course dinner to the party without causing a string of road fatalities.

Do these things and you're assured success. Luckily for us, the kind former San Franciscans who invited us to flee our liberal lifestyle for one weekend hit the right notes. The ceremony was short, practically devoid of religious sermons and loaded with good food and booze. Congrats, newly weds, you did it right.